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A Love Supreme Our Assholes Belong to Us!

A Love Supreme

by Dr. SUSAN BLOCK



It’s a miracle, Brothers and Sisters! A miracle long overdue wrapped up in a Love Supreme. That is, the United States Supreme Court issued a number of just and liberating decrees in the last week of June before the 2003 summer break, but the most prominent was the Lawrence vs. Texas ruling that sodomy between consenting adults–straight or gay–cannot be prosecuted as a crime. So sing: Hallelujah! Our assholes belong to us! Our assholes do not belong to the state! Can I hear an amen? Can I hear an awomen? Let sexual freedom ring all over this land

"But what exactly is sodomy?" you may well ask, Brothers and Sisters, though surely you know from Bible study that it has something to do with Sodom, sister city of Gomorrah, both of which got burnt to a freedom-fried crisp by a very jealous God as its citizens were enjoying, well, sodomy. Since the Bible (at least the PG-rated version) doesn’t out-and-out describe an act of sodomy, Bible-thumpers are free to give it a variety of colorful, fear-provoking meanings. Sometimes the word is used to mean "gay sex," since the citizens of Sodom, or Sodomites, were mainly these guys who wanted to have sex with these other guys who were actually angels. The guy-angels were visiting Abraham’s brother Lot, just having a cup of tea and chatting about the impending Armeggedon, when a gang of rowdy Sodomites started banging on Lot’s door demanding to "know" his guests, and we all know what "knowledge" meant in those days.

The Bible considers Lot to be a good guy, the only "righteous" man in Sodom actually, because he will not allow the Sodomites to sodomize his guests, the angels. Fair enough; nobody should be sodomized nonconsensually, not even angels. But how does Lot try to stop the rabid crowd? By offering up his two "virgin daughters" for them to sodomize instead! Moreover, the story of "Sodom and Gomorrah" ends with Lot’s daughters getting to "know" their father and both getting pregnant by him! This same Daddy Lot is the one "righteous" man God rescues from the burning cities. Well, that’s the Bible for you.

But back to Sodom. Though the Sodomites did not sodomize Lot’s daughters (they preferred the angels), they could have, because technically, sodomy is any kind of sexual intercourse that is not penis-in-vagina. That includes oral sex, anal sex, or sticking it in your ear, if you are so inclined. Or sitting on a flagpole, as Justice Antonin Scalia seems to enjoy fantasizing about.

Despite the weird Biblical connotations of the word, many (probably even most) adults in America practice or have practiced sodomy. I mean, we’re talking about regular oral and anal sex here! Up until last week, if you committed any kind of sodomy in certain states–like Texas, Oklahoma, Florida, Utah, Louisiana, Virginia, Alabama and Kansas–whether you were a dude doing another dude from behind, or a chick fingering another chick, or a woman going down on her husband, all of which would be consider sodomy–you could be arrested and thrown into jail.

Probably you wouldn’t get arrested, because probably you wouldn’t get caught. But if some cops felt like breaking down your bedroom door or if a neighbor wanted to mess with you (like they did with John Geddes Lawrence and Tyron Garner, the couple in Lawrence vs. Texas), you could be busted just for having anal or oral sex with a fellow consenting adult. Thirteen states had this on the books. And now they have to take it off the books. And hallelujah to that, Brothers and Sisters! God and Goddess bless the Supremes!

Of course, not everyone is celebrating. Shortly after the ruling was made, century-old Senator Strom Thurmond (R-SC) actually dropped dead, and one can’t help but hope the venerable old bigot knew that Lawrence and Garner were not only gay, but an interracial couple. Also following the ruling, rabidly sex-phobic Senator Rick Santorum (R-PA) could be seen weeping and rubbing his butt in the Senate steam room, as fellow professional homophobe and director of the Pro Family Law Center Scott Lively sobbed "Apparently they have gone the whole route and fully legitimized sodomy in America. This is going to have terrible consequences for our nation."

Yes, Brother Lively, terrible consequences for you and your Brothers and Sisters-in-Sanctimony (though it does give you a *sexy* excuse for extra fundraising), and liberating consequences for freedom-lovers every where! Step lively, Brother Lively, this ruling could lead to decriminalizing all sorts of things we do consensually in our private lives.

Not everyone had something to say about the ruling. Ayatollah Asscraft didn’t say a word. Maybe he’s actually happy about it, because he thinks this makes it legal for him to continue fucking Americans in the ass with his Patriot Act(s). Also, no comment was issued by The Great Pretzel Swallower himself, George W. Bush. Though Dubya owes his presidential life to the Supremes, he’s too busy looking for Weapons of Mass Destruction to talk about Weapons of Ass Destruction right this second

No matter. The Supremes have ruled! Ethical hedonists everywhere, proud to be Americans, are celebrating a miracle that’s long overdue. It’s good for gays, of course, so often threatened with discrimination based on these decrepit mean-spirited laws. But it’s great for all of us–straight, gay, bi or into flagpoles–who value freedom from government intrusion into our consensual sex lives. Praise be to the power of the Sun, the Moon and the planet Uranus! Our assholes belong to us.

Dr. SUSAN BLOCK is a sex educator, host of The Dr. SUSAN BLOCK Show and author of The 10 Commandments of Pleasure. Visit her website at http://www.drsusanblock.com

If you’d like to contact Dr. SUSAN BLOCK with questions, comments or contributions, please email liberties@blockbooks.com