Exclusively in the new print issue of CounterPunch

HOLLYWOOD AND THE CIA — Film historian Ed Rampell details Hollywood’s entangled relationship with the CIA and the Pentagon; HOUSES OF THE DEAD: Nancy Kurshan exposes the cruel human rights offenses taking place inside America’s vast gulag of Control Unit Prisons; BROTHERHOOD OF SUMMER: David Macaray charts the history of the most powerful union in the US: the Baseball Players Association; TAR SANDS COME TO AMERICA: Steve Horn explains how the Keystone Pipeline debates have diverted attention from Big Oil’s other plans to transport Alberta’s oil into the US. PLUS: Jeffrey St. Clair on CONSTITUTIONAL ENTROPY; Mike Whitney on HOW THE BANKS TARGETED BLACKS; Chris Floyd on THE RISE OF BRITAIN’S TEA PARTY; Kristin Kolb on THE NEEDLE AND THE DAMAGE DONE; Kim Nicolini on the FILMS OF WILLIAM FRIEDKIN; and Lee Ballinger on POETS VS. THE ONE PERCENT.

May 29, 2003

Advice from Rocky Yo Democrats! Wake Up!

Yo Democrats! Wake Up!

by JASON LEOPOLD

Hey you! Tom Daschle. WAKE UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You’ve been taking Tylenol PM again haven’t you? I knew it. I told you that stuff makes you groggy. Get your punk ass out of bed and get back to work. And this time don’t forget to dust off your balls, you piece of crap.

What are you laughing at Nancy Pelosi? You suck too. Big time. You call yourself a whip? You should take that whip and hang yourself. I’m sorry. Did you say something Dick Gephardt? You didn’t? Gee, I’m not surprised.

You gutless, spineless, brain-dead, paralyzed, sorry excuses for human beings, don’t you know that Bush, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld and his assistant, that gnome Paul Wolfowitz, are trying to take over the world? You think that by ignoring them they’re just going to go away?

What was that Carl Levin? Aliens abducted you? What’s your excuse Russ Feingold? How about you Joe Biden? Oh for crying out loud. He peed his pants again. Biden, how many times do I have to tell you that I am not President Bush? Helloooooooooo Barbara Boxer? Are you with me? Would somebody tap that cow on the shoulder and make sure she’s still alive. Jeez.

This is serious you pussies. I’ve spoken to your families. Your kids hate you, your parents have disowned you, your spouses refuse to make love to you and almost everyone in America wants to stone the Democratic party to death, cut off all of your heads and hang it off the rear view mirror of their SUV’s.

No more screwing around. Listen up! I want all of you to rent the movie Rocky and watch it over and over again until you understand what self-respect is. When you finally get some, use it to stand up to these madmen.

We, the civilized people of planet earth, can’t take it anymore. We’re losing our civil liberties, our jobs, our French fries for god sakes. Unfortunately, our only hope is you idiots.

You’ve got one last chance to make things right. Right now it’s the bottom of the ninth, bases are loaded and you’re up. Remember the ’69 Mets? They were losers, underdogs, just like all of you. But out of nowhere they won the World Series. You know why they won? They had heart. You get my point? You don’t? Well let me try and explain it to you in a language you can understand.

Bush Republican. Republican bad. You Democrat. Democrat need pulse and heartbeat to hurt Republican so Republican stop being bad.

You’ve all been acting like the Cowardly Lion and the Tin Man in the Wizard of Oz for too long, except for you Daschle, you’re like the Scarecrow, and you need a brain.

Bottom line: if you don’t stand up for our rights now and start demanding answers from this administration about Iraq and 9-11, we’re going to cream you. Capisce?

JASON LEOPOLD can be reached at: jasonleopold@hotmail.com