FacebookTwitterGoogle+RedditEmail

Peek-A-Boo with Duct Tape

by TOM WELLS

I’m not sure what was weirder — them suggesting Duct Tape and plastic; them expecting people to buy into it; people actually buying into it; or the press not going apeshit over how stupid this was, so…..here’s my take.

The more I thought about the Duct Tape Terror Alert Fiasco, the more I realized, we are in some deep shit in this country of ours. Well, it used to be ours, but you get my drift. I equated the whole Duct Tape deal to playing “peek-a-boo” with my girls when they were infants. You know the game — they can’t be seen if they have their hands over their eyes.

Tom Ridge at Homeland Security and John Ashcroft at Justice (sic) may give that a try next. I can just see Ridge and Ashcroft, solemn and grave as funeral home directors after a local five-car pile-up, informing the American public during Sweeps Week, perhaps breaking in during “Friends” with one of those, “We interrupt this program to bring you a breaking news bulletin.” In my mind, it plays out like this.

A camera pans in to Attorney General John Ashcroft who clears his throat and begins, “Please remain calm, but we must tell you, the American people, that based on the information we just obtained from a half-page research paper by a junior high student in Frisco, Texas, Mr. Ridge and I have no choice but to bump the terror alert up to red.” Slipping on a red sweater with shiny gold buttons, he turns to Tom Ridge and nods. “Mr. Ridge.”

Ridge grabs the mike and says, “That is right Mr. Attorney-General, the terror alert is now as red as a Doberman’s dick when he’s got that right back leg really cranking.”

Ashcroft shakes his head in holy-disgust, but asks anyway. “What suggestion do you and the Homeland Security Office have for the American people?”

Ridge grimaces knowing he’s screwed up in front of his boss, the U.$. Ayatollah, but regroups and says, “After consulting all of our terrorism experts and the 8th grader from Frisco, we agree that all American citizens should immediately place their hands over their eyes so the real terrorists like Osama and his band of Queda’s won’t be able to see them. If the terrorists can’t see you, what are they going to do? Nothing! That’s what.”

Ridge demonstrates by placing both hands over his eyes, saying, “Like so.” Spreading his fingers, he turns his head and peeks to his left. Ashcroft joins him.

The journalists present appear to be in competition to see whose jaw can drop the fartherest. Helen Thomas appears to win the first round as hers is resting on the tops of her comfortable, black lace-ups.

Ridge continues, “That’s right, America. Please place your hands over your eyes and keep them there until this Red Terror Alert ends.” Pausing, he glances at Ashcroft, who has formed both hands into fists and is moving them up and down in front of his chest.

Ridge looks puzzled and from the podium gives him a palms up, WTF expression.

Ashcroft continues to air-drive his imaginary car, and adds in a few car sounds, “Brmmm, vroom, vroom”.

A light dawns on Ridge and he makes one final comment. “Oh yeah, be sure and keep your hands over your eyes except when you are driving.” Smiling, he nods his head up and down, smug in the knowledge that he has ridden to America’s rescue once again.

With that, Ridge steps away from the podium, giving the reporters and Ashcroft two thumbs up. Ashcroft hands Ridge a red sweater.

Sheriff Bunny Pants smirks in the wings proud of his two henchmen, shaking his head, then moves his hands to cover his eyes.

TOM WELLS can be reached at: tomwells@schreiner.edu

 

February 10, 2016
Eoin Higgins
Clinton and the Democratic Establishment: the Ties That Bind
Fred Nagel
The Role of Legitimacy in Social Change
Mike Whitney
Putin’s Aleppo Gamble Pays Off
Chris Martenson
The Return of Crisis: Everywhere Banks are in Deep Trouble
Ramzy Baroud
Next Onslaught in Gaza: Why the Status Quo Is a Precursor for War
Jeffrey St. Clair
Why Bernie Still Won’t Win
Sheldon Richman
End, Don’t Extend, Draft Registration
Benjamin Willis
Obama in Havana
Jack Smith
Obama Intensifies Wars and Threats of War
Rob Hager
How Hillary Clinton Co-opted the Term “Progressive”
Mark Boothroyd
Syria: Peace Talks Collapse, Aleppo Encircled, Disaster Looms
Lawrence Ware
If You Hate Cam Newton, It’s Probably Because He’s Black
Jesse Jackson
Starving Government Creates Disasters Like Flint
Bill Laurance
A Last Chance for the World’s Forests?
Gary Corseri
ABC’s of the US Empire
Frances Madeson
The Pain of the Earth: an Interview With Duane “Chili” Yazzie
Binoy Kampmark
The New Hampshire Distortion: The Primaries Begin
Andrew Raposa
Portugal: Europe’s Weak Link?
Wahid Azal
Dugin’s Occult Fascism and the Hijacking of Left Anti-Imperialism and Muslim Anti-Salafism
February 09, 2016
Andrew Levine
Hillary Says the Darndest Things
Paul Street
Kill King Capital
Ben Burgis
Lesser Evil Voting and Hillary Clinton’s War on the Poor
Paul Craig Roberts
Are the Payroll Jobs Reports Merely Propaganda Statements?
Fran Quigley
How Corporations Killed Medicine
Ted Rall
How Bernie Can Pay for His Agenda: Slash the Military
Neve Gordon
Israeli Labor Party Adopts the Apartheid Mantra
Kristin Kolb
The “Great” Bear Rainforest Agreement? A Love Affair, Deferred
Joseph Natoli
Politics and Techno-Consciousness
Hrishikesh Joshi
Selective Attention to Diversity: the Case of Cruz and Rubio
Stavros Mavroudeas
Why Syriza is Sinking in Greece
David Macaray
Attention Peyton Manning: Leave Football and Concentrate on Pizza
Arvin Paranjpe
Opening Your Heart
Kathleen Wallace
Boys, Hell, and the Politics of Vagina Voting
Brian Foley
Interview With a Bernie Broad: We Need to Start Focusing on Positions and Stop Relying on Sexism
February 08, 2016
Paul Craig Roberts – Michael Hudson
Privatization: the Atlanticist Tactic to Attack Russia
Mumia Abu-Jamal
Water War Against the Poor: Flint and the Crimes of Capital
John V. Walsh
Did Hillary’s Machine Rig Iowa? The Highly Improbable Iowa Coin Tosses
Vincent Emanuele
The Curse and Failure of Identity Politics
Eliza A. Webb
Hillary Clinton’s Populist Charade
Uri Avnery
Optimism of the Will
Roy Eidelson Trudy Bond, Stephen Soldz, Steven Reisner, Jean Maria Arrigo, Brad Olson, and Bryant Welch
Preserve Do-No-Harm for Military Psychologists: Coalition Responds to Department of Defense Letter to the APA
Patrick Cockburn
Oil Prices and ISIS Ruin Kurdish Dreams of Riches
Binoy Kampmark
Julian Assange, the UN and Meanings of Arbitrary Detention
Shamus Cooke
The Labor Movement’s Pearl Harbor Moment
W. T. Whitney
Cuba, War and Ana Belen Montes
FacebookTwitterGoogle+RedditEmail