FacebookTwitterGoogle+RedditEmail

Peek-A-Boo with Duct Tape

by TOM WELLS

I’m not sure what was weirder — them suggesting Duct Tape and plastic; them expecting people to buy into it; people actually buying into it; or the press not going apeshit over how stupid this was, so…..here’s my take.

The more I thought about the Duct Tape Terror Alert Fiasco, the more I realized, we are in some deep shit in this country of ours. Well, it used to be ours, but you get my drift. I equated the whole Duct Tape deal to playing “peek-a-boo” with my girls when they were infants. You know the game — they can’t be seen if they have their hands over their eyes.

Tom Ridge at Homeland Security and John Ashcroft at Justice (sic) may give that a try next. I can just see Ridge and Ashcroft, solemn and grave as funeral home directors after a local five-car pile-up, informing the American public during Sweeps Week, perhaps breaking in during “Friends” with one of those, “We interrupt this program to bring you a breaking news bulletin.” In my mind, it plays out like this.

A camera pans in to Attorney General John Ashcroft who clears his throat and begins, “Please remain calm, but we must tell you, the American people, that based on the information we just obtained from a half-page research paper by a junior high student in Frisco, Texas, Mr. Ridge and I have no choice but to bump the terror alert up to red.” Slipping on a red sweater with shiny gold buttons, he turns to Tom Ridge and nods. “Mr. Ridge.”

Ridge grabs the mike and says, “That is right Mr. Attorney-General, the terror alert is now as red as a Doberman’s dick when he’s got that right back leg really cranking.”

Ashcroft shakes his head in holy-disgust, but asks anyway. “What suggestion do you and the Homeland Security Office have for the American people?”

Ridge grimaces knowing he’s screwed up in front of his boss, the U.$. Ayatollah, but regroups and says, “After consulting all of our terrorism experts and the 8th grader from Frisco, we agree that all American citizens should immediately place their hands over their eyes so the real terrorists like Osama and his band of Queda’s won’t be able to see them. If the terrorists can’t see you, what are they going to do? Nothing! That’s what.”

Ridge demonstrates by placing both hands over his eyes, saying, “Like so.” Spreading his fingers, he turns his head and peeks to his left. Ashcroft joins him.

The journalists present appear to be in competition to see whose jaw can drop the fartherest. Helen Thomas appears to win the first round as hers is resting on the tops of her comfortable, black lace-ups.

Ridge continues, “That’s right, America. Please place your hands over your eyes and keep them there until this Red Terror Alert ends.” Pausing, he glances at Ashcroft, who has formed both hands into fists and is moving them up and down in front of his chest.

Ridge looks puzzled and from the podium gives him a palms up, WTF expression.

Ashcroft continues to air-drive his imaginary car, and adds in a few car sounds, “Brmmm, vroom, vroom”.

A light dawns on Ridge and he makes one final comment. “Oh yeah, be sure and keep your hands over your eyes except when you are driving.” Smiling, he nods his head up and down, smug in the knowledge that he has ridden to America’s rescue once again.

With that, Ridge steps away from the podium, giving the reporters and Ashcroft two thumbs up. Ashcroft hands Ridge a red sweater.

Sheriff Bunny Pants smirks in the wings proud of his two henchmen, shaking his head, then moves his hands to cover his eyes.

TOM WELLS can be reached at: tomwells@schreiner.edu

 

More articles by:

CounterPunch Magazine

minimag-edit

bernie-the-sandernistas-cover-344x550

zen economics

Weekend Edition
December 02, 2016
Friday - Sunday
John Pilger
The Coming War on China
Jeffrey St. Clair
Roaming Charges: The CIA’s Plots to Kill Castro
Paul Street
The Iron Heel at Home: Force Matters
Pam Martens - Russ Martens
Timberg’s Tale: Washington Post Reporter Spreads Blacklist of Independent Journalist Sites
Andrew Levine
Must We Now Rethink the Hillary Question? Absolutely, Not
Joshua Frank
CounterPunch as Russian Propagandists: the Washington Post’s Shallow Smear
David Rosen
The Return of HUAC?
Rob Urie
Race and Class in Trump’s America
Patrick Cockburn
Why Everything You’ve Read About Syria and Iraq Could be Wrong
Caroline Hurley
Anatomy of a Nationalist
Ayesha Khan
A Muslim Woman’s Reflections on Trump’s Misogyny
Michael Hudson – Steve Keen
Rebel Economists on the Historical Path to a Global Recovery
Russell Mokhiber
Sanders Single Payer and Death by Democrat
Roger Harris
The Triumph of Trump and the Specter of Fascism
Steve Horn
Donald Trump’s Swamp: Meet Ten Potential Energy and Climate Cabinet Picks and the Pickers
Louis Proyect
Deepening Contradictions: Identity Politics and Steelworkers
Ralph Nader
Trump and His Betraying Makeover
Stephen Kimber
The Media’s Abysmal Coverage of Castro’s Death
Dan Bacher
WSPA: The West’s Most Powerful Corporate Lobbying Group
Nile Bowie
Will Trump backpedal on the Trans-Pacific Partnership?
Ron Ridenour
Fidel’s Death Brings Forth Great and Sad Memories
Missy Comley Beattie
By Invitation Only
Fred Gardner
Sword of Damocles: Pot Partisans Fear Trump’s DOJ
Renee Parsons
Obama and Propornot
Dean Baker
Cash and Carrier: Trump and Pence Put on a Show
Jack Rasmus
Taming Trump: From Faux Left to Faux Right Populism
Ron Jacobs
Selling Racism—A Lesson From Pretoria
Julian Vigo
The Hijos of Buenos Aires:  When Identity is Political
Subcomandante Insurgente Galeano
By Way of Prologue: On How We Arrived at the Watchtower and What We Saw from There
Dave Lindorff
Is Trump’s Idea To Fix the ‘Rigged System’ by Appointing Crooks Who’ve Played It?
Aidan O'Brien
Fidel and Spain: A Tale of Right and Wrong
Carol Dansereau
Stop Groveling! How to Thwart Trump and Save the World
Kim Nicolini
Moonlight, The Movie
Evan Jones
Behind GE’s Takeover of Alstom Energy
James A Haught
White Evangelicals are Fading, Powerful, Baffling
Barbara Moroncini
Protests and Their Others
Joseph Natoli
The Winds at Their Backs
Cesar Chelala
Poverty is Not Only an Ignored Word
David Swanson
75 Years of Pearl Harbor Lies
Alex Jensen
The Great Deceleration
Nyla Ali Khan
When Faith is the Legacy of One’s Upbringing
Gilbert Mercier
Trump Win: Paradigm Shift or Status Quo?
Stephen Martin
From ‘Too Big to Fail’ to ‘Too Big to Lie’: the End Game of Corporatist Globalization.
Charles R. Larson
Review: Emma Jane Kirby’s “The Optician of Lampedusa”
David Yearsley
Haydn Seek With Hsu
FacebookTwitterGoogle+RedditEmail