Deep deep deep inside the bowels of the White House is this private, very private chamber. Some say its the place where REAL PRESIDENT Cheney stays, and operates the REAL government. Today, on this cold, bitter cold Sunday, Super Sunday, the top elite from the cabinet are conducting a very important meeting–the prospect of war with Iraq, or rather the need to have a war with Iraq. Let’s be a "fly on the wall" and listen in.
Junior–"Ah yes Colin…"
Cheney (over Junior’s voice)–"Yes General Powell…. please Junior.."
Powell–" I’m sorry Mr. Real President… Mr. Real President, I must be candid at this time, as these are times that call for extreme candor and…." Cheney–"Could you just cut to the chase General? We have many things to discuss today."
Junior–"He’s right, Colin. Now Dick… I mean Mr. Real President, I need to understand just how this here economic stimulus package will operate; after all, the press calls it the "Bush Plan’, not yours Dick.. I mean Mr. Real President!"
Cheney–"Calm down Junior. Didn’t I promise your daddy that I would take extra special care of you for this great service you volunteered to do for our nation and …"
Junior–" I did NOT volunteer!! My daddy forced me to leave Austin where we, Laura and I and the girls, were very happy and content! I do not appreciate you, sir, with all due respect Mr. Real President, or anyone here thinking that I wanted this for myself!"
Cheney–" Now now Junior, we all understand, especially your daddy, that you were not asking for all this–sometimes, I think it was Nixon who said it, we all get what we deserve, or something like that."
Powell–" If I can now continue, Mr. Real President..?"
Cheney–"Please General, by all means.."
Powell–"Now, on this issue of the war…"
Rumsfeld–" Dick, if he is gonna start this monologue on how he feels so strongly against this action, well, I may just puke!"
Powell–" How DARE you question my patriotism Rummy!"
Rumsfeld–" How DARE you question MY WAR!"
Cheney–" Now gentlemen, gentlemen, please, lets have some semblance of solidarity here!"
Junior–"Solidarity–now that’s a COMMUNIST term is it not? I thought that war was over–we won that one right?"
Cheney–" Please Junior, could you do us a favor and sit over there and memorize the economic stimulus part of your State Of The Union?. Your daddy will be disappointed if you screw up this BIG ONE."
Junior–" Sorry, Mr. Real President. Its just that I love history and current events. Sorry….." (walks toward the rear of the large chamber) " My fellow Americans.."
Cheney–"Now gentlemen, lets continue this discussion, with civility, yes? General?"
Powell–" Thank you sir. As I was stating earlier, sir, I do not think we have exhausted every means possible to get the coalition we need prior to conducting this offensive.."
Rumsfeld–" Offensive!! What in the hell is he referring to Dick!? This is no OFFENSIVE! The future of democracy and life as we know it is on the line here Colin… Tell him Dick, tell him what’s at stake here!"
Cheney–"Now calm down Rummy! General, we as a nation are at war with both terrorism and despots like Saddam. If we, the world’s only superpower left, if we do not take the mantle and rid the world of evil like…."
Junior (from the rear)–" Evil, did I hear Evil? I’m just getting to that part in my speech… ‘This Axis of evil must and will..’
Cheney–" Not now Junior, just read it to yourself! We have business, important business to discuss here.. Please!"
Junior–" OK, OK, I getya pardner, I’ll hush up and let you fellers discuss the mean ole bad injuns out there in A-rab land!"
Rumsfeld (whispering to Cheney)–"Dick, I do believe we would have been better off with the other Governor, you know the one from Florida–least he caught on a bit quicker–you get my drift?"
Cheney–" Yeah Rummy, and maybe we could have done better with a more moderate Defense man too–somebody who didn’t look like an ATTACK DOG! Get my drift?"
Powell–" Mr. Real President, may I continue…. thank you. I feel, echoing the world press and leaders from just about every nation I have been visiting and conversing with via the phone; that to go in unilaterally, or with just a few NATO nations, would turn off the entire Middle East, Africa and most of Asia–not to mention the French, Germans, Scandinavians and who knows who else.."
Rumsfeld–"Oh screw em, all of em!! I say we go in and take out this **** and that’s that!. In and out in 48 hours!"
Powell–" True, it would take 48 to 72 hours, maybe ten to twenty thousand civilian dead, a few hundred of our troops KIA, and the annihilation of Baghdad as we now know it. More importantly, let me stress this ever so strongly, would be the fact that we would invite an increasing number of terrorist actions against not only our presence abroad, but more distressing, within our borders.
Rumsfeld–" Hogwash!! The Saudis would be thanking us for getting rid of that clown!"
Powell–"Rummy, do you understand that he is one of them, when all else is said and done?. There is a certain loyalty in that part of the world of which we here in America do not comprehend."
Rumsfeld–"That’s bullcrap Colin, with all due respect! The only loyalty that the Saudi Princes and Sheiks and whatever in the hell they call themselves, the only loyalty they know is that of the almighty dollar, especially the American kind. By the way, you speak of this "group loyalty"–do you think of yourself as a Black man first, or an American first?"
Powell (getting angry, finally)–"I do not need you or anyone to ever ever question…"
Cheney–"Now now guys, let’s calm down a bit. We have some decisions to make and make fast. This is no time to be divided…"
Junior (from the rear)–" A house divided will not stand… great! I can use that in my speech…. can I Mr. Real President, can I please?"
Cheney–"You know, Junior, THAT is a great literary mechanism after all. Great idea! Now please leave us to settle this war situation."
Rumsfeld–I say, once again, Mr. Real President, let us delay not a week longer. Its gonna get hot as hell out there in a few months. Let’s get the Brits and go on in ASAP."
Cheney–"Well, Rummy, I think my family’s stock portfolio agrees with you. We need to pump up those war industries as much as feasible. That translates into more jobs, and jobs bring votes for 2004. With this economy, we need something positive."
Rumsfeld (aside to Cheney)–" If Junior’s numbers stay down, even after this war thing is resolved, are we gonna keep him around in ’04? Can we win with him?"
Cheney (whispering) -"No choice on that matter. The ‘die is cast’ as Shakespeare wrote. Junior is our lead pony–and Senior says he stays that way. Besides, all we need is some good, really bad terrorism news in early ’04 and the polls will rise. Factor in who the other guys plan to run, and with the exception of Kerry, it’s as they say ‘ in the bag’ for our side."
Powell–"Excuse me Mr. Real President, but if you do not need me anymore, I must leave for another European trip. We are going to need to solidify England, and get one more crack out of the rest of the EU, if your plans are to go forth successfully. May I be excused Sir?"
Rumsfeld–"That’s rubbish, and you and I both know it!"
Cheney–"You’re excused Colin–we all value your insights on these matters, even Rummy here, believe it! Thanks for coming……..and remember Colin, a Powell/Jeb ticket is very much a talking point for ’08–especially if those idiots run the "hatchetwoman" on theirs."
Junior (shouting out to Powell)–"Thanks General, and I think Jeb and you would do just fine in the White House. Jeb speaks fluent Espanol you know–could come in handy with the l Latino vote."
Rumsfeld (whispering )–"Do you really believe that HE could become President in 2008? "
Cheney–" Rummy, the last time you looked, what color was Colin? Forget what I said to him–the guy could never get the nomination, just like Lieberman could never. That’s life!"
Rumsfeld (singing)–"That’s what all the people say… you bomb Baghdad in April, its all over in May…."
Cheney–" Now let’s go over those troop movements, and the ideal time to strike…"
Junior–"Hey fellers, I actually met Frank Sinatra you know. Big supporter of my Dad…..(singing) "That’s life, that’s what all the people say……"
Philip A. Farruggio is a baby boomer Brooklyn NY born, bred and educated (Brooklyn College ’74). He is a self-employed manufacturers rep who was a comedy regular on the WABC-AM (radio) Jay Diamond morning show (1990-92).
He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.