Letter from Ayatollah Ashcroft to His CounterPart Ayatollah Shahroudi of Iran

by ALI MOAYEDIAN

Dear Ayatollah Shahroudi,

It’s been a while that I have planned to write to you. But as we are both aware, the anti-God forces in our countries keep us quite busy! I have been very occupied doing my share to keep these forces in check here. But their attacks against God and I has not died down, and they have been pushing me to the edge. The funny thing is they claim they are law-abiding citizens who are fighting to preserve their constitutionally guaranteed rights. Big words coming out of little heads! What does our actions have to do with the law and the constitution?! These ignorant infidels fail to see that it’s God that’s above all, and it’s God that we serve. It was God’s will that put me and you where we are, and it’s God that drives us to do what we do. We do respect law and constitution, as long as they are within the God’s domain. And we judge as God shall do on the judgment day. Is that so difficult to understand? You and I do!

Now I’m finally writing to you to congratulate you on your greatest achievement. When I heard the news that you have sentenced that infidel Aghajari to death, adrenaline rushed through my veins, and I suddenly felt I have wings and could fly high up. My biggest regret at that moment was that I could not be present in your courtroom and witness this brave and just ruling. How dare this professor advocates people not to follow us like monkeys! In this day and age we need followers, specially of the blind type, more than ever. I actually feel jealous about your ruling. I feel you are getting closer to God and I’m being left behind! And I sure wish to join you in every step that you take towards God!

It made me even happier that you have also sentenced this blasphemous man to lashes and banned him from teaching for 10 years. We certainly don’t want the evil thoughts of this man to be propagated through the vulnerable academic community. Actually, based on my research, the weakest link in our society is the academia. You should also be aware of this fact. I do remember that in the early years of your revolution, you and your peers closed all the universities for a few years and performed a thorough cleansing of the evil thoughts, sort of like what the exorcists do I guess. But that must not have been enough. It’s clear that the cancer has spread again. And now that you are about to kill the first hopeless patient, I cannot agree with you more. Sometimes we have to make painful decisions. We know it must be done, and there are certainly many hopeless patients in the academia. So it’s so painful that we only have to take out one patient at a time! There was a time that the patients would just succumb to God’s will and vanish peacefully. Isn’t it great when this creates a “chain” reaction? But now that the patients are not so willing to vanish quietly, we have to perform our God-given duties in the public’s eyes. But this is probably a blessing in disguise. It’s true that we are both modest people and prefer to perform our tasks without any fanfare or witnesses. The only witness we normally prefer to have is God. That works better for us in the courts too. Doesn’t it? But if we have to act in the open, there must be a reason. God must have wanted it this way!

As I’m now witnessing the tremendous pressure that is being applied to you to reverse this just and historic order, I’m praying every day and asking God to give you strength to successfully carry out this holly task and cleanse the earth of this man and then stop him from teaching ever again. That will surely strengthen us in our beliefs and give us hope that very soon we can also implement the policy of “you are either with God or against us” in this greatest country of the world!

And before I forget, I also want to ask for your advice regarding another important issue. I’ve always followed with interest the regular checkpoints that your Basij volunteer forces set up in the streets and roads to enforce God’s wishes. We have recently implemented our own checkpoints program. But I’m afraid our forces are very inexperienced and naive and cannot run this program very effectively. So I was wondering if we can benefit from your experience in this area. It would be extremely helpful to us if we can borrow a few hundred of your Basij personnel for a period of a year or two to train our staff. I’m in particular interested to learn how we too can run this as a volunteer program so we can also operate outside the limitations set forth by the law and constitution and similar buz words.

Of course I will personally make sure that your Basij forces will not be fingerprinted or photographed when entering the United States, as this kind of treatment is only reserved for ordinary people who live within a 5000 mile radius of the terrorists and is really intended to convince these people and everyone else that we are serious about what we do. Then perhaps they’ll stop talking so much about us or other important issues. Why is it that everyone takes this “freedom of expression” thing of ours so seriously? Even our people are starting to grasp that there is a limit to everything including exercising, freedom and expression. It’s about time people from other countries did that too. We think fingerprinting them will show them who the boss is around here, and photographing them upon arrival pops their eyes wide open so they can see better for the rest of their stay here, and of course we’ll do everything in our power and beyond to make that stay uncomfortable! The party is over!

I also want to assure you that your Basiji staff will enjoy the most comfortable accommodations during their tenure here, and their devotion to God and to me shall be generously rewarded both in this world and the next. I sure hope that this will result in more cultural exchanges between the United States and Iran.

You know, I’ve also been thinking a lot about the public hangings and the stonings that your staff have been performing. Since I know you are specially found of crane hangings, I hope the sanctions hasn’t stopped you from acquiring U.S. made cranes for the job. If it has, I’ll sure be glad to ask for a special waver or favor for crane sales to you. We’ve of course been trying to stay in par with you as far as the number of executions go, but we are definitely lagging when it comes to execution methods. What are executions good for if the public cannot view them and learn from them? God willing we are going to do something about this. Right now I’m shooting for public executions starting in early 2004 followed by stonings in mid 2006. And there again I’m counting on you to share with us your expertise. This is certainly another area we can benefit from cultural exchanges!

And finally, my biggest wish right now is to enjoy your companionship and play host to you personally here in the United States or enjoy your hospitality there in Iran. There are certainly a lot of ideas and experiences the two of us can share and exchange. I cannot stop thinking the ideas the two of us can come up with if we put our heads together. After all, as one of my dearest friends Dan Quayle once said, “what a waste it is to lose one’s mind.” And here we are talking about two minds!

I wish you continuous success in serving God and punishing your people. And I look forward to hearing from you soon.

God Bless you! Yours Truly, Ayatollah John Ashcroft

P.S. I hope you’ll allow me to use the title of ayatollah. I felt I’ve earned it, and that also makes me feel closer to you and my other peers there. I actually feel more ayatollah than some of the ayatollahs over there. But if you feel I need to do more to deserve this title, I’m certainly ready for the challenge.

ALI MOAYEDIAN can be reached at ads@best.com

Like What You’ve Read? Support CounterPunch
September 02, 2015
Paul Street
Strange Words From St. Bernard and the Sandernistas
Jose Martinez
Houston, We Have a Problem: False Equivalencies on Police Violence
Henry Giroux
Global Capitalism and the Culture of Mad Violence
Ajamu Baraka
Making Black Lives Matter in Riohacha, Colombia
William Edstrom
Wall Street and the Military are Draining Americans High and Dry
David Altheide
The Media Syndrome Between a Glock and a GoPro
Yves Engler
Canada vs. Africa
Ron Jacobs
The League of Empire
Andrew Smolski
Democracy and Privatization in Neoliberal Mexico
Stephen Lendman
Gaza: a Socioeconomic Dead Zone
Norman Pollack
Obama, Flim-Flam Artist: Alaska Offshore Drilling
Binoy Kampmark
Australian Border Force Gore
Ruth Fowler
Ask Not: Lost in the Crowd with Amanda Palmer
Kim Nicolini
Remembering Wes Craven’s The Hills Have Eyes
September 01, 2015
Mike Whitney
Return to Crisis: Things Keep Getting Worse
Michael Schwalbe
The Moral Hazards of Capitalism
Eric Mann
Inside the Civil Rights Movement: a Conversation With Julian Bond
Pam Martens
How Wall Street Parasites Have Devoured Their Hosts, Your Retirement Plan and the U.S. Economy
Jonathan Latham
Growing Doubt: a Scientist’s Experience of GMOs
Fran Shor
Occupy Wall Street and the Sanders Campaign: a Case of Historical Amnesia?
Joe Paff
The Big Trees: Cockburn, Marx and Shostakovich
Randy Blazak
University Administrators Allow Fraternities to Turn Colleges Into Rape Factories
Robert Hunziker
The IPCC Caught in a Pressure Cooker
George Wuerthner
Myths of the Anthropocene Boosters: Truthout’s Misguided Attack on Wilderness and National Park Ideals
Robert Koehler
Sending Your Children Off to Safe Spaces in College
Jesse Jackson
Season of the Insurgents: From Trump to Sanders
August 31, 2015
Michael Hudson
Whitewashing the IMF’s Destructive Role in Greece
Conn Hallinan
Europe’s New Barbarians
Lawrence Ware
George Bush (Still) Doesn’t Care About Black People
Joseph Natoli
Plutocracy, Gentrification and Racial Violence
Franklin Spinney
One Presidential Debate You Won’t Hear: Why It is Time to Adopt a Sensible Grand Strategy
Dave Lindorff
What’s Wrong with Police in America
Louis Proyect
Jacobin and “The War on Syria”
Lawrence Wittner
Militarism Run Amok: How Russians and Americans are Preparing Their Children for War
Binoy Kampmark
Tales of Darkness: Europe’s Refugee Woes
Ralph Nader
Lo, the Poor Enlightened Billionaire!
Peter Koenig
Greece: a New Beginning? A New Hope?
Dean Baker
America Needs an “Idiot-Proof” Retirement System
Vijay Prashad
Why the Iran Deal is Essential
Tom Clifford
The Marco Polo Bridge Incident: a History That Continues to Resonate
Peter Belmont
The Salaita Affair: a Scandal That Never Should Have Happened
Weekend Edition
August 28-30, 2015
Randy Blazak
Donald Trump is the New Face of White Supremacy
Jeffrey St. Clair
Long Time Coming, Long Time Gone
Mike Whitney
Looting Made Easy: the $2 Trillion Buyback Binge
Alan Nasser
The Myth of the Middle Class: Have Most Americans Always Been Poor?