The Ann Coulter Test

by CHRIS CLARKE

Dear Ann,

Those snarky coastal leftwingers laugh when you claim you’re in touch with the common man. Here’s a chance for the Saxon Klaxon to make them eat their words! Take this quiz to prove just how down you are with the folks in flyover country. It’s easy and fun, for anyone who’s really spent time scratching out a living! Ivory tower academics may find it challenging. Note: since we’re not NEA members, there are indeed wrong answers on this test.

1) The last time you passed the gasoline filling station to your house, how much were they charging for a gallon of regular?

2) Name a filling station where it’s cheaper.

3) Freelance writing is a lonely, often thankless task. But before you became a successful freelance writer, when you worked in your office at the Center For Individual Rights, you worked with plenty of people. One of them emptied your wastebasket every day. What was his or her name?

4) Extra Credit: What was his or her LAST name?

5) Super Bonus Credit: Describe his or her family in a short sentence.

6) Multiple choice: Katie Couric is:

a) the affable Eva Braun of the morning airwaves b) that nice lady who’s on the Willard Scott program c) who has time to watch TV at that hour? I have to get to work.

7) What is the current federal minimum wage?

8) What does that come out to per two weeks, after taxes, for a single person with no dependents?

9) Within 25 cents, what does a box of name-brand corn flakes cost at the supermarket nearest your house?

10) How much less would the same size box of house brand corn flakes cost?

11) Complete the following song lyric: “I’m gonna love you forever, forever and ever amen; As long as old men sit and talk about the weather; As long as [_________________]”

12) Multiple choice: “Hotdish” is:

a) a casserole, more or less b) something they talk about on that NPR show with the Communist folk music c) what the waiter says at Chez Jean Pierre in Stamford as he brings you your coq au vin. d) Laura Ingraham

13) What does a pink stripe mean on a utility bill?

14) How many months does it take to get one?

15) Imagine the National Review had fired you from a full time, salaried job. How long would your job have to have lasted for you to qualify for unemployment?

16) What’s the maximum length of time after Jonah Goldberg hands you that pink slip in which you could collect unemployment benefits?

17) Multiple choice: to the woman who just refilled your coffee cup, “side work” is:

a) those really hard lat’ stretches at the gym b) silverware and napkins c) moonlighting on cable news show

18) What time does the nearest homeless shelter close its doors each night?

19) You want whole wheat toast or biscuits and gravy with that?

20) Rank the following three stores in descending order of price: K-mart, Target, Walmart

21) Final Bonus Question! Complete the following song lyric: “You look like an angel, walk like an angel, talk like an angel, but I got wise; [___________________]”

CHRIS CLARKE is the editor of Faultline, the online journal about environmental politics in California.

He can be reached at: cclarke@faultline.org

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